Depression & Emotions

          How many of us suffer from depression? Truthfully, no matter the medication, these moments will remain. We will experience them throughout our lives. Through serious depressions, such as Bi Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Depressive, Major Anxiety, we commonly go through spells where we become lower than even our normal feelings may run. The dysphoria we feel in our lives, living as one, and associating as another gives great emotional upheavals throughout our lives as things are in a normal state. I started Hormone Replacement Therapy on a Wednesday, yesterday being the following Thursday. As I have stated once before, I am beginning to see small emotional changes. Yesterday I woke in a good mood, though feeling slightly foggy per say. I knew at that moment that something would be slightly off, but continued, as we all do, to live my day to day activities with a smile. As the day wore on, I noticed the emotional downfall increasing. I have not been on any depression medication for quite some time. When I am placed on medication, I adhere to the darkness very deeply. I mean quite simply, I adhere in a sense of not being seen much, not talking to people, cutting, crying, hating myself and life in itself, so I fully understand what feelings are coming when they hit. Yesterday was a very slow day. I have made many friends who are also Transgender, and many who are not. I turn most often to one friend in particular, whom I have become quite attached to. She has been a very good rock for me on my down days, though yesterday it seems I found myself further and further from her. She has not changed in the least, though I felt very alone all day. I experienced these alone feelings soon after I woke and found myself getting lower and lower as the day continued. I pulled further and further away from people. I know in my head I am not alone, but in my heart I felt very empty and alone. As though I was just to stay locked in the darkness which overcomes our minds. After an entire day of allowing this to continue, though trying not to let it show, I found myself lying in bed crying for reasons unknown. There was nothing truly wrong with me, nor was there any reason for me to feel these things, but I know them well, so I understood. Here is where my ride seems to be beginning. This morning seems to be going well, though we will see how long it lasts under the circumstances of the emotional upsets I will be experiencing. I of course turned right back to the one I needed most, hoping only to get past the wild feelings that come out this way. When we hit these moments as the hormones start to have an effect, we must remember in our minds, that there are those who love us and will stand beside us. We are never truly alone. We must support and care for each other in a sense of understanding and work things through that we may get into a better state of mind. After these experiences, I have determined we, and others view ourselves in the wrong sense. We are commonly viewed as butterflies, undergoing a transformation of beauty. We, however, do not get the luxury of a cocoon to hide in whilst the changes take effect. This leads me to think on a different level. Most everyone has heard of a Mythical creature called a Phoenix. As we all know, at the end of it's life cycle, the Phoenix burns, experiencing the pain of destruction, and from these ashes a new life, a true beauty is reborn. We too go through a fiery experience during our change. There will be many times when it crushes us, hurts us, makes us feel destroyed, yet from the ashes of the life we have burnt from ourselves, our true beauty shall be reborn. "Through fire and rain, I walk alone, through fear and pain, I find my way home".