Breast Growth

          At some point in the future, I will no longer be posting this kind of information. I am sure that you would understand why given the circumstances of the information I am letting out. However, at this point, there is no reason to really be too awfully concerned. I am not big enough to really have much to hide. In truth, from the last time I posted, there has been no outward growth. My measurements remain the same. 36 under bust. 37 1/2 bust. Nothing to really get too awfully excited over. On the other hand though, I have noticed that they are filling out a bit more, in turn becoming slightly more rounded and better shaped than just some Madonna looking points poking out there. I like this idea, as that is one of the more major parts of who I am trying to become. My facial appearance, and my breasts are the two most important parts of this journey for me.

Body Language

          I realize today is four months of hormone therapy and I am about to post the monthly pictures as a record of where I am at. However there are a couple things I would like to discuss. I have watched myself closely, noticing a variety of changes that I have not been here to discuss. I will not post them all right away as I do not wish to overdo it all at once. Right now I am going to look at the body language changes. My actions have changed, and though I realize before I gave quite a few gestures that were considered more feminine than masculine, never before have I had such body language as now. My arm movements, my hand gestures. All have seemed to open up in a variety of different ways that truly shows the femininity I always felt on the inside, finally expressed on the outside. I am excited to see these changes, as before when I would have these moments I would freak out and try to hide them from people. I guess in a way I was afraid of being made fun of constantly, and I have had more than one person in my past tell me to stop doing certain things with my hands or my facial gestures as I appeared to be "gay" as they put it. I did not want people to drag me down, I had honestly dealt with enough of that, and so I tried my very best to avoid certain things. I was never truly able to be seen for who I was as I would not allow people to see me. I guess now that the hormones are truly having a more deeply connected effect on me, it just comes out as naturally as I always wished it would. Even so much so to the point that more often now I catch myself shaking my hips, dancing in my own happier moments. This was something I would never have allowed others to see before, but seem to be quite a bit more open about now. During these happier moments I truly allow the me I have always loved upon the inside to come out. It raises my own belief in myself in some ways as I realize the person on the inside is just as real as I always knew. This is my beauty. My unique odd behavior at times. I am much less afraid of being me now. I still have moments when I wish I could hide, but I have seen so much more happiness in myself and shown so much more of me that through whatever pains I may feel due to others, I will not allow myself to give up or fall back on myself.

Growth

          I am going to be slightly busy today, and next Wednesday so I will get to the regular posts soon and I will get the picture records up soon. I will try not to wait too late but it may be later this afternoon. I am a week early to be posting this, but my breasts have grown half an inch. I am not at a 37 1/2. Every little bit counts though. It is a change and I am proud of the slightest changes during my transition.

Itching

          I do not think my breasts have grown any further than before really. They may have but I haven't noticed any most recent changes, however, I am itching like crazy. My nipples are very sensitive and itch almost nonstop. I am constantly wanting to scratch them, and they are driving me nuts in a bit of a way. I am sure this will pass, but it is a change in progress. I like progress, and am happy to have such a beautiful lady by my side through the process of my changes.

Meh

          There is nothing new to really report in all honesty. The hormones are going as planned but I have noticed before the hormones started I did more "dress up" fashions than I do now. I am back to being more comfortable as just myself. I believe we get an image in our heads of what I woman should dress and act like so we mimic these things. However I do not wear as many dresses or cutesy style clothes as before. I simply dress cute in other ways. I did however have to write an autobiography for a therapist once, plus the minor writing I did here to start to the blog. I will be using both of these and possibly writing a shorter Novella style autobiography. My relationship is rough, as it is hard to accept things misunderstood, but I believe this is the best relationship I could ever have asked for. I love her more everyday and will continue to use her as inspiration for my new poetry books which I will be publishing the second of soon.

Possible New Book Coming

          I have been speaking to my mother more about my desires to continue to write and publish books about poetry. She suggested I take some of the things I wrote here in the beginning as a way to show my back story. I am considering possibly writing a book of what life was like fighting to be the man others asked me to be whilst living as a female in my heart. I may be taking on this venture and seeing where it goes. If anyone has any thoughts I would love to hear them. There is a lot I omitted in my back story on here so I would be adding a lot to it that isn't already there. Hopefully I will be able to do this and publish a self help kind of book for those wishing to know how to deal with the Transgender feelings and how things are to be to get started and what processes to take. I hope this helps others as I needed the support of friends, and so therefore I feel it is only best that I offer my support for those others who may need it. We all need help in some ways.

Rough Times

          As of late I have beginning to have some rather disturbing dreams of certain friends being judgmental, and calling me things that have truly torn my heart apart. I realize it is just anxiety from the changes and the transition I am going through. These dreams have caused more tears than anything, and I know now the hormones are having an even deeper effect.This weekend has been an exceptionally long one in some ways. Quite beautiful time with my one love, but the attitude has failed me again. It seems as though that hasn't changed enough. I am quite grateful for those who have stayed by my side. We need to hold onto what friends and family will support us.

Restless Nights

          I am on a mood stabilizer. This works good for me as my moods tend to shift uncontrollably, however it can cause restlessness at night. The hormones I believe are kind of the cause of this as anxiety seems to play a part. I have had more anxiety as my body tries to change, the same as we would go through as teenagers. Only in my case, it seems to go over board as I wind up staying awake most of the night. Other than that I don't think there is much going on with the hormones. A little awkwardness within me. I don't go anywhere without a bra as my boobs are now real, really small, but real nonetheless. I feel more awkward about my body or the way I look. I have noticed myself in the mirror and found depression as I still look like a guy but dress opposite. This causes extreme anxiety at times, and then the mood stabilizers take it to the max, pushing me into wilder dreams while still wide awake. This is no fun, but good for my writing, as when my mind leaves in that fashion, my soul comes alive.

Growing

          I will soon again be measuring myself to see if there is anything changed in that fashion. However, I do not know that there is. I have noticed of late that I am growing however. My chest is changing. I now have breasts, very small of course, but they are there, and becoming more round than what I had before. This is a blessing to me as I noticed this a couple days ago but wanted to make sure things were going well before posting. Shortly after 7 weeks and I had breasts growing rounder on myself. It will soon hit the two month mark. As more changes occur I hope you will notice as have others when I post my pictures coming up soon.

Insecure

          I am posting because I have been thinking today. Though it seems by measurement that my chest hasn't changed, I can feel and even see a slight difference in myself. I have hit a point where I actually feel awkward about my own body. I feel just, ugly. I realize that we all go through this when we change during puberty and since I am going through hormone changes I attribute it to that. But I have been feeling uncomfortable for about a week or so. I just feel awkward about the way I look. I am still doing well, but I guess this is to be expected. Here is another moment of change I can say I am proud to experience, even if it doesn't feel good.

Good things are coming

          I skipped writing yesterday. Had very little to do but took some much needed time to enjoy some different things I enjoy for myself. I have always had a girly touch to me, but I am not an overly girly person. I grew up learning to get dirty or bloody and just dealing with it. I was terrified of the sight of my own blood as a child but grew out of that fairly early. I have not completely changed. Yes, I still want to experience those days when I can be dressed beautifully and feel extra good about myself, however I will not give up the outdoors or the things I liked before. I grew up a video gamer. One of the few things that can truly hold me still for a long period of time, so yesterday I kind of vanished from most people and simply sat, playing a video game using only the surround sound I built. Was a nice little retreat though I must say there was a friend I did not talk to that I kind of missed laughing with. Not everything in our lives will change just depending on the hormones. We have to change ourselves as well. If we leave things strictly up to the hormones we may not have any idea of where we are going with anything. I will not do this. I will still continue to be me, and feel more confident in myself in every aspect, especially looks as I begin to take on a more feminine look. In this aspect, there is some minor news to be given. Today is another picture day. There truly are no noticeable changes to my body. However, before beginning this venture, I did measure out my chest as to be capable of buying the right clothing that would fit just right, even if there is nothing up top to put in said clothes. At the time I measured my chest, being a man as I have always been, my chest measured out at a 36. I have a wide chest. I have checked on these measurements again so that I may keep an accurate record of how the progress goes and where it will end up. I will be doing this monthly, so this will serve as my record. It is not a noticeable change by the naked eye, but my measurement now is at a 37. Not much growth has occurred obviously, however, there is a start to things. This I find to truly be a blessing. One month, and there is a slight difference. Leaves me to wonder where I will be by next month when again I measure myself.

Sensitivities

          I have been on hormones just under a month now. In all honesty, there are not a lot of changes likely to be occurring for some time. There will be no noticeable physical changes for a while. As things have gone, I have been able to dive back into my mind and keep the largest portion of my emotions under control. This is a good thing. My anger issues are still there, but not nearly as severe as they once were. This is a blessing to me, and others. I have been noticing lately some extra sensitive areas on my body. Personally I shave the majority of my body. Now even before hormones began, I had some odd sensitivity in certain areas. Now, however, I have found that even the touch of a razor across my skin is enough to send shivers through my spine. I will allow you to guess as to where these sensitivities are. I will not mention them. This is really the only physical change I have noticed yet. Something that I dare say I do like, but also is only a minor thing. As the months progress I will have more to write about as far as the hormonal changes go and physical side effects of changes. Right now this is the most I have to report. So as it stands, the poetry will continue on my blog, and will be not only a record of what I experience and what is in my head, but a record of my poetry as well.

Good things coming

          I realize lately I have been absent quite a lot more. I have had a lot of things going on, even on top of being very sick. Things have been very rough, however I have been able to take time to think a little bit. I have realized quite a few things have changed. I have been Bisexual my entire life, with a strong attraction to men, however stronger towards women. I have an attraction towards women on a deeper level. Since the hormones started getting into my system better, I have noticed that I am actually leaning even more in the direction of the women with less thoughts of men. I have calmed down in many ways, and though I still have slight touches of depression, I am actually in a much better frame of mind. I will resume posting and writing more poetry soon. Things have been busy and I am getting into a better state of life in itself. If you are considering undergoing hormones, remember, we are all different. For some, everything changes, for others, it only straightens out what was already there. We all will deal with things in different ways, and see things in different ways. When looking for beauty, remember to look through your own eyes. What others see may or may not be the truth as we are all different in our own ways. Wish you all well.

Emotional?

          I would like to say first off, that I have not been posting much these past couple days as I am sick and just started antibiotics today. Due to this sickness, I have had some difficulty with sleeping regularly, and even more difficulty with feeling up to writing or anything. Today is not an especially good day or anything, but as it was picture day, I felt it would be a good time to report on things. I have never personally studied astrology, though my heart and soul lie deeply connected with the stars. So much so that in a sense I "hear" what I need to from them. It obviously isn't a real voice, nor can they truly speak their wishes unto me. But upon speaking with the stars during my lost moments, I find closure, reassurance, love, guidance, and inside, I feel the energy given off. Speaking to me on a more spiritual level. I have not recently had any more emotional disturbances, other than being sick and wanting to cry myself back to sleep at 3 o'clock this morning. This leads me to believe that since I had such a hormonal imbalance before, that maybe I will not experience quite the same depth of emotional upheaval as have others. I have once again, now that the weekend has passed, found myself. My laughter. My smiles. My witty little attitude that leads me to be quite sassy and mouthy at the drop of a hat. I think possibly it may have been the astrological differences that threw my emotions and depression into a full swing. It was not a fun ride for me, though I do hope that you all understood as I did try to convey the depth of my feelings, and thoughts, without going so far as to say I wanted self harm. Keep this in mind. For those of us in a more spiritual balance, we may wish to consider looking into an astrological understanding of ourselves, as it may be quite fitting for us. We may learn more of how and when these attacks will happen. We may very well be able to help prevent our own downfalls and rise to the top where we find our belief and understanding once again. I will be looking into astrology a bit more soon, and will be posting some of what I find that may help me through this journey. I wish you all well, and hope the best for you.

Is this it?

          It has been slightly over a week since the hormones began. I have always been an emotional individual, prone to depression, prone to tears. Easily looking down on myself as I have such a hard time with confidence. I know this become disconcerting to most, and has driven many people out of my life. As I became more comfortable with letting my true self out, I began to see a new light. A belief, in myself. I began to feel the love I held inside burst forth. I believed things would be better, and I still do. Nothing could possibly make life right in the life I have lived for so long already. When I began hormones, I went through a spell of great happiness and excitement. As I am sure anyone would, knowing their lives are finally on the right track. From what I have learned talking to others, when hormones set in, we will go through an emotional phase first. Obviously this is to be true, as our bodies will be thrown from one place to another. Hormonal imbalances can cause some distress, depression, and emotional upsets. I cannot give an accurate timeline as to how these changes would effect another. Age is a factor. Hormone levels at the beginning of treatments are a factor. Many things can tie in to what will be experienced, and when it will happen. The past few days I have noticed the hyper activity I was feeling, the high I was on, is slipping away from me. I have been feeling less sure of myself. More afraid of losing those I love. More afraid of going right back down into that dark hole, where I found myself before. Truthfully, I am unaware as to whether this is the hormones having an effect as yet or not. I do believe it is. I have found my emotions mixed. Confused in a sense. I am more easily prone to wanting to cry. I am more easily disheartened. I feel slightly alone, though in my mind I know this is not the case. It has become a slight war within me, my mind trying to hold on to that happy, fun side of myself whilst my emotions are starting to push their way out of me in other ways. I have not yet hit the worst of it yet. I know this will only increase for a time before it begins to become better. I would like to warn you all, there will be sad moments, moments of depression, moments of fears, self rejection, feelings of being alone. As though those who are there truly do not care in the ways you believe. I have known most of these feelings all my life, through the depression and suicidal thoughts I once had every day. Keep your heads up, for these things will pass in time. I know this is the mere beginnings of a rough patch. Once through, our true beauty will shine forth again. Remember : "We must learn to walk through shadows of fear and doubt, pain and oppression to find the beautiful light of truth beyond, in a place where we belong".

Genders Beauty

                  Good morning. It is not the most beautiful of days; rainy, gloomy, blah day. However, the sun could not shine brighter in my heart. There is not a lot I can post as of yet that would pertain to how the hormones have effected me. Nor will there be for some time. My thoughts are always quite active though, and so I have been considering the depression and angst I have felt during the times of struggle where in I felt I must hide from the world. For years I felt very alone in this aspect. I have known homosexuals. I have known drag queens. I have known many people, even those who were quite accepting of anyone and everyone for the simplicity of an honest, heartfelt love of a friend. However, when we look inside, we see things in a different light as they personally reflect upon us and hinder our thoughts and emotions from escaping. It has taken me a lot longer to learn this than I originally had thought. Through this process of allowing Rachyl to become true, not only to herself, but to the rest of the world I have learned that we are never alone. I have been having some meaningful, important conversations as of late with a very dearly loved friend of mine. She is in Sociology at the moment. As she has been learning, they say gender is taught, where as sex is who you are as a given. I cannot proclaim to fully be able to explain what they are saying, though it has made me look deeper inside, and even outwardly at those around. It is an extremely true statement. Sex, being the nature of anatomy, is your given stature. If you are born with male genetalia, then by standards of sex, you are male. Hence, female anatomy, female. However, as for those with a Gender Dysphoria, the outward sex is only a minor inflection of what truly is our make up. Gender? That is where we must look into our hearts. The simple truths. The emotional understandings. The inner workings of our minds. Gender is something we are taught by our families, by society, by those around us who are even our friends throughout life as children. As children, boys are taught to be boys, not to play with dolls, not to dress cute (in a feminine sense), not to cry as much as they are to be tough. Girls are taught to play with dolls, to learn the arts of make up as they grow, to dress in a girly way, and in some cases even to be clean and avoid the mud and insects as these things are deemed worthier of boys. To be girly in fact does not reflect truly in this sense. Personally speaking of course, I love nothing more than to fix my make up, put on a cute dress, and be seen for the beauty which resides inside, however, given the opportunity, I will throw on old clothes and you may catch me in the woods climbing over stuff, or playing in creeks. As we grow our identities change in many forms. Some of us do not feel it as early, some of us are only afraid to let it show. I ask that you consider the things you have been taught. They are your mind's acceptance of what the world has in store for you. However, our gender cannot be defined by another. It is in our hearts that it resides the deepest. We must look inward all our lives to see what truly is there. Our thoughts, feelings, desires, passions, love. All of these things tie in to what our hearts true identity is. As a child we become conditioned to be what we are told we are. As we grow older we learn to see things through our own eyes. No matter your age, take a look inside. Truly open yourself to your heart, and accept who you are. Beauty is not weight, not a height, not an amount of make up, not a haircut, not a perfect smile. Beauty is love. The love we offer to those around us. That is our truest form of beauty, and through releasing this beauty, we may find ourselves in a place where, through the darkest of storms, the most amazing things grow inside of us. We have our place in this world, we are the Butterflies. We are the ones shedding the outside which haunts us, to let our true hearts fly free. We are never alone, and though often mistreated, we are loved by many. The road to finding ourselves is a long and difficult one, and this leg of my journey has only begun. We all have it in us to make this step. Keep your hearts and minds open. Know you are never alone, and that beauty may shine through you like you have never known before. I will post more often when the changes begin to occur. This is only day four, and so I have as yet felt and seen nothing. In time things will change. Love each other, and be proud of who you are always.

A Broken Life Through Truth's Eyes

A small piece of me. I am 32 years old, soon to hit the age of 33. There is still so much life ahead I never thought possible. I am transgender. Born a male, with the heart and soul of a woman. It is never too late to find the truth in your life, no matter the struggle. All things are possible with love, hope, determination, support, and so forth. This is a record of my transition to show the changes made through the progress of becoming the woman I was truly born to be. My given name is Brandan DeWitt. My heart's true name is Rachyl Marie DeWitt. Today's date is June 4th, 2014. This is where my journey begins

Double Life, A Back Story Of A Transgender

This is just a quick recap of the life and experiences I have had, not in full detail, but to show some of the history of how I learned my true self. How many of you have memories pertaining to something you were not actually taught as a child? I think it is safe to say we all do at some point. As a child, we are conditioned, taught who we are through the simple explanations of how we should act. We do not always feel this inside of ourselves however, and because of this, we have troubles in life that are not necessary. As a very young boy, I remember being taught those little things. Boys do this, girls do that. I did however have two sisters. I knew what it was like to wear make-up at a young age. At the time, I would become angry sometimes. It completely went against everything I was learning. When my family laughed, I knew they were laughing AT me. To them it was all a joke, though to me, it became confusing in some instances. I did not feel the changes right away. They took time to fully develop, though once started, there was nothing that was going to stop them. As I said, at first I became angry, though later on, I enjoyed it, even if I feigned anger at the whole scenario. There really is not much of an explanation for what had changed. Something inside my mind saw the difference between the little boy I was, and the little girl I appeared to be when my sister decided to do such things. The little boy did not look real to me, though in my mind, I knew he was truly the person I was. The little girl I appeared to be, however, seemed to shine. I did what any little boy would do at that given time, I fought it. I hid these thoughts, feelings, desires from everyone. Especially the family I believed would hate me if they knew. I had no idea at the time what Homosexual was, nor did I know what Transgender was. But when you know you are not what you have been taught, the instinctual reaction of hiding from people takes over. These things slacked off as I became older, truthfully leaving behind a feeling of something missing that I never quite understood. During school things were difficult. I was nothing like the other boys. Yes I was a little rough on myself, though I was also more emotional. I seemed to have the ideas of a little boy, but the heart of a little girl. I was always picked on for my differences, preferring to be around girls, though no-one knew the reasoning was because I felt like that was where I belonged.
    School did not go well for me, as depression set in. The feeling of being so utterly different without having even a small understanding of myself completely tore my heart in two. I had no idea what it would take to be happy. I lost sight of a lot of things. Became more erratic as I just gave up and became exactly what it was that I had been taught to be : A little boy. Puberty was especially confusing, catching myself looking at everyone in different ways. The thoughts I contended with. Attraction to other boys? This was absurd. All I had ever known was exactly the opposite. However, I found a stronger attraction towards girls, so I considered this to be a phase and ignored it, again pushing things aside. Never cluing in on what was there the whole time. During high school, the depression became much worse as I truly found myself more interested in feminine things. The way the girls talked. The way they laughed. The way they dressed. I loved it. I wanted to be such a part of it that I felt so low for even trying to be something I wasn't. This proved to be rather disastrous in a sense of leaving me nowhere to go except downhill. With puberty, the typical teenage problems, and the strange feelings I did not understand, I truly had become a very depressed individual, even suicidal. I had honestly been thinking suicidally since around the age of eight, but it never took a serious turn until late middle school and early high school. Due to this and the different times in the hospital, I ended up dropping out and getting my GED instead. Not a bad thing in all honesty, but not the best I could have done for myself had I only known how to handle what was really happening.
    Years passed, I changed. I started turning to anything, pills, pot, other drugs, alcohol, anything that could take me to a place where I could more easily hide myself. This only proved to make my life harder as the feelings did not change, they only temporarily deserted me. After the effects of that which I chose to do wore off, the feelings came back stronger than ever, thus leading me to push further into things that would only harm me. It made me feel as though the depression were lessening, where as in truth, the depression was becoming stronger as well. I was always the “odd man out” as they say, thus I became quite the loner. Only a few friends ever were around much, and out of those that were, only one friendship lasted more than a short time. For this reason I did not talk much to people, developing a serious fear of social interactions of any kind. I would smile at people as I walked through a store, but to speak would drive me to a point where I would wet myself. Yes, I did quite literally wet my pants. I did not start dating until I was 19, however my first experience was not one worth noting in truth. It was a disaster which only lasted roughly 3 months. I found work harder to maintain than most people did, however I worked harder than most did as well. This was partially to prove myself to the boss, but mostly to prove I was a man. I worked the hardest possible jobs I could, pushing myself to do things the “manly” way, or so I was thinking. This didn't slow the feelings down, but it made people believe what they saw on the outside, and to me, that was the best way I could have been. During my first true relationship, it was noticed more that my behavior was not all genuinely that of a man. I was quite eccentric in some ways, about things that did not pertain to what men liked.
    It was during this time that I found things out that truly made a world of difference in my life. After some time with this young lady, she had become aware of my attraction towards men, and as a joke, I wore her lingerie. At the time, it was only to be a joke. Upon putting this lingerie on though, something inside of me truly clicked into place, allowing me to feel things I had never truly felt. I felt sexy, I felt beautiful, I felt alive. More so than at any time before that, I truly felt as though I were myself. In part, due to the continuation of the drugs I had allowed myself to become addicted to in some ways, and in part due to my own personal fear of letting anyone else know, I hid this from all but her. The experiences I had at that time truly made me feel as though I were more feminine that I could have imagined being. It was scary, and yet a release at the same time. I continued to be the man everyone saw, though I knew now in my own heart that what truly gave me the most amazing of feelings inside was the feel of femininity. After that relationship ended, things became rough. I started dating someone new, and had to keep things put up for a long time. Pretending to be what I knew I wasn't made things very difficult, not to mention the drugs kept my mind from clearing out enough to accept myself at the time. During the next 4 ½ years with this new girlfriend, who later became my wife for a short time, I experienced many more different pleasures of feminine desires. It was mostly during this time that I truly discovered how deeply the desire to look and feel beautiful actually went, though I kept it as simple as possible, for reasons of hiding myself. Only dressing up, or allowing myself to be played with in certain forms by the one I was with kept my secret safe. After that time had ended and I had moved on in my life, I had a couple different ladies by my side, one of which saw my secrets right away by watching my body language, listening to the things I said, watching my every move. We were not together long, though we ran around together for a couple of years.
    This young lady proved to be the true turning point for my whole existence, with her slightly pushy attitude shoving me further forward about letting myself out. By this time I had been clean from most things for a while, and so the fears returned even worse. She would not allow me to hide though, even going so far as to buy me feminine clothes that I may wear alone in the privacy of my own space. I became what would be considered a Cross dresser, though even with the feminine clothing on, and my own feeling of security, something still lacked. I had been alone for a while, going through many problems with my mind switching back and forth between what I had been taught, and what my heart told me every day. The next woman I was with was in for quite the surprise each time another secret came out. We had a lot of arguments over the little things, as they were a shock to what she had gotten to know. We had known each other for years, and yet, never had she known any of these things. When my attraction to men came out, it was rough going. This led me to hide more from her for fear of what may happen. We got through the rough spot, though I, not knowing how to handle myself best at the time caused a lot of problems. We had many many rough times throughout this period of our relationship. After some time, she had found out slowly of my wearing feminine stuff, through playing again. I found this to be the easiest way for me to express the truth of what was inside without feeling as though I would be judged. I pushed the issue that it was a form of Role Playing in the bedroom. It wasn't such in my mind, however with my fears of problems being caused, it was easier to allow it to remain that for some time. As the Role Playing became more intense, my dressing habits becoming more frequent, I noticed the longing for such things growing. This is where I formed my alter ego as most would have called it. This is where Rachyl was born. She was the side of me I truly loved best. The happiest side of me ever. Also she was the side of me who was a woman. In my mind I knew that to truly allow this to continue I would have to be a woman, however I was not yet ready to go so far. After me and this young lady had split, I had more encounters with people online than in person, thus being able to do as I wished with or without them in my life. The prominence of Rachyl grew, myself becoming more and more aware of what truly had been making the biggest difference all of my life. Looking back I could then see how she was always there, though only allowed to come out in small doses.
    I had an encounter with a young lady online for quite some time, though I had lost my job, and was working only sparsely for cash here and there. She did not know right away of my desire to truly become Rachyl, but she learned early on of Rachyl. A year went by with me becoming more feminine I in a sense of even letting everyone know about what I really was, a man who wished to be a woman. After this year, I had another spell of depression, causing me to end up in the hospital, not knowing what to do with myself. Due to this suicide attempt I had during this time, I wound up being placed on disability. Feeling as though everything had been lost, I became vulnerable, easily molded into that which others wished to see. After leaving the hospital, I started spending time with a lady I had called a dear friend, and our hearts seemed to truly find one another's in the darkest of moments. Thus a new relationship was born. However, during this relationship, I once again learned that it was unacceptable to wear feminine clothing. Rachyl was hidden once again. I never felt the same happiness with myself inside as I had felt before. I fought for this relationship, though things were just not going to work. When I would take time away and visit my family, I found myself letting Rachyl out, as I was alone. I knew the woman I was with refused to accept it, so once again it became a hidden fetish of sorts. Only experienced when I was alone. After the relationship ended, and I moved away, I found myself more and more alone, Rachyl truly at the forefront of my mind, making a full comeback. Again it began as something I kept to myself, though it was not long after the split that again, the truth burst forth, my decision now set in stone. I was to become a woman. Nothing made me feel the same inside. Nothing could truly compare to what this gave me. I loved, and I had been loved, but as the person people saw before them, not as the person who truly lived deep inside of me. My feminine behavior again grew stronger, my smile returning, my laughter finding its own way out of me. It has been roughly 8 months since this last split, and today I have begun hormone replacements. I will continue to recount my experiences, logging them that you may understand better, or find solace and peace knowing you are not alone.