Double Life, A Back Story Of A Transgender

This is just a quick recap of the life and experiences I have had, not in full detail, but to show some of the history of how I learned my true self. How many of you have memories pertaining to something you were not actually taught as a child? I think it is safe to say we all do at some point. As a child, we are conditioned, taught who we are through the simple explanations of how we should act. We do not always feel this inside of ourselves however, and because of this, we have troubles in life that are not necessary. As a very young boy, I remember being taught those little things. Boys do this, girls do that. I did however have two sisters. I knew what it was like to wear make-up at a young age. At the time, I would become angry sometimes. It completely went against everything I was learning. When my family laughed, I knew they were laughing AT me. To them it was all a joke, though to me, it became confusing in some instances. I did not feel the changes right away. They took time to fully develop, though once started, there was nothing that was going to stop them. As I said, at first I became angry, though later on, I enjoyed it, even if I feigned anger at the whole scenario. There really is not much of an explanation for what had changed. Something inside my mind saw the difference between the little boy I was, and the little girl I appeared to be when my sister decided to do such things. The little boy did not look real to me, though in my mind, I knew he was truly the person I was. The little girl I appeared to be, however, seemed to shine. I did what any little boy would do at that given time, I fought it. I hid these thoughts, feelings, desires from everyone. Especially the family I believed would hate me if they knew. I had no idea at the time what Homosexual was, nor did I know what Transgender was. But when you know you are not what you have been taught, the instinctual reaction of hiding from people takes over. These things slacked off as I became older, truthfully leaving behind a feeling of something missing that I never quite understood. During school things were difficult. I was nothing like the other boys. Yes I was a little rough on myself, though I was also more emotional. I seemed to have the ideas of a little boy, but the heart of a little girl. I was always picked on for my differences, preferring to be around girls, though no-one knew the reasoning was because I felt like that was where I belonged.
    School did not go well for me, as depression set in. The feeling of being so utterly different without having even a small understanding of myself completely tore my heart in two. I had no idea what it would take to be happy. I lost sight of a lot of things. Became more erratic as I just gave up and became exactly what it was that I had been taught to be : A little boy. Puberty was especially confusing, catching myself looking at everyone in different ways. The thoughts I contended with. Attraction to other boys? This was absurd. All I had ever known was exactly the opposite. However, I found a stronger attraction towards girls, so I considered this to be a phase and ignored it, again pushing things aside. Never cluing in on what was there the whole time. During high school, the depression became much worse as I truly found myself more interested in feminine things. The way the girls talked. The way they laughed. The way they dressed. I loved it. I wanted to be such a part of it that I felt so low for even trying to be something I wasn't. This proved to be rather disastrous in a sense of leaving me nowhere to go except downhill. With puberty, the typical teenage problems, and the strange feelings I did not understand, I truly had become a very depressed individual, even suicidal. I had honestly been thinking suicidally since around the age of eight, but it never took a serious turn until late middle school and early high school. Due to this and the different times in the hospital, I ended up dropping out and getting my GED instead. Not a bad thing in all honesty, but not the best I could have done for myself had I only known how to handle what was really happening.
    Years passed, I changed. I started turning to anything, pills, pot, other drugs, alcohol, anything that could take me to a place where I could more easily hide myself. This only proved to make my life harder as the feelings did not change, they only temporarily deserted me. After the effects of that which I chose to do wore off, the feelings came back stronger than ever, thus leading me to push further into things that would only harm me. It made me feel as though the depression were lessening, where as in truth, the depression was becoming stronger as well. I was always the “odd man out” as they say, thus I became quite the loner. Only a few friends ever were around much, and out of those that were, only one friendship lasted more than a short time. For this reason I did not talk much to people, developing a serious fear of social interactions of any kind. I would smile at people as I walked through a store, but to speak would drive me to a point where I would wet myself. Yes, I did quite literally wet my pants. I did not start dating until I was 19, however my first experience was not one worth noting in truth. It was a disaster which only lasted roughly 3 months. I found work harder to maintain than most people did, however I worked harder than most did as well. This was partially to prove myself to the boss, but mostly to prove I was a man. I worked the hardest possible jobs I could, pushing myself to do things the “manly” way, or so I was thinking. This didn't slow the feelings down, but it made people believe what they saw on the outside, and to me, that was the best way I could have been. During my first true relationship, it was noticed more that my behavior was not all genuinely that of a man. I was quite eccentric in some ways, about things that did not pertain to what men liked.
    It was during this time that I found things out that truly made a world of difference in my life. After some time with this young lady, she had become aware of my attraction towards men, and as a joke, I wore her lingerie. At the time, it was only to be a joke. Upon putting this lingerie on though, something inside of me truly clicked into place, allowing me to feel things I had never truly felt. I felt sexy, I felt beautiful, I felt alive. More so than at any time before that, I truly felt as though I were myself. In part, due to the continuation of the drugs I had allowed myself to become addicted to in some ways, and in part due to my own personal fear of letting anyone else know, I hid this from all but her. The experiences I had at that time truly made me feel as though I were more feminine that I could have imagined being. It was scary, and yet a release at the same time. I continued to be the man everyone saw, though I knew now in my own heart that what truly gave me the most amazing of feelings inside was the feel of femininity. After that relationship ended, things became rough. I started dating someone new, and had to keep things put up for a long time. Pretending to be what I knew I wasn't made things very difficult, not to mention the drugs kept my mind from clearing out enough to accept myself at the time. During the next 4 ½ years with this new girlfriend, who later became my wife for a short time, I experienced many more different pleasures of feminine desires. It was mostly during this time that I truly discovered how deeply the desire to look and feel beautiful actually went, though I kept it as simple as possible, for reasons of hiding myself. Only dressing up, or allowing myself to be played with in certain forms by the one I was with kept my secret safe. After that time had ended and I had moved on in my life, I had a couple different ladies by my side, one of which saw my secrets right away by watching my body language, listening to the things I said, watching my every move. We were not together long, though we ran around together for a couple of years.
    This young lady proved to be the true turning point for my whole existence, with her slightly pushy attitude shoving me further forward about letting myself out. By this time I had been clean from most things for a while, and so the fears returned even worse. She would not allow me to hide though, even going so far as to buy me feminine clothes that I may wear alone in the privacy of my own space. I became what would be considered a Cross dresser, though even with the feminine clothing on, and my own feeling of security, something still lacked. I had been alone for a while, going through many problems with my mind switching back and forth between what I had been taught, and what my heart told me every day. The next woman I was with was in for quite the surprise each time another secret came out. We had a lot of arguments over the little things, as they were a shock to what she had gotten to know. We had known each other for years, and yet, never had she known any of these things. When my attraction to men came out, it was rough going. This led me to hide more from her for fear of what may happen. We got through the rough spot, though I, not knowing how to handle myself best at the time caused a lot of problems. We had many many rough times throughout this period of our relationship. After some time, she had found out slowly of my wearing feminine stuff, through playing again. I found this to be the easiest way for me to express the truth of what was inside without feeling as though I would be judged. I pushed the issue that it was a form of Role Playing in the bedroom. It wasn't such in my mind, however with my fears of problems being caused, it was easier to allow it to remain that for some time. As the Role Playing became more intense, my dressing habits becoming more frequent, I noticed the longing for such things growing. This is where I formed my alter ego as most would have called it. This is where Rachyl was born. She was the side of me I truly loved best. The happiest side of me ever. Also she was the side of me who was a woman. In my mind I knew that to truly allow this to continue I would have to be a woman, however I was not yet ready to go so far. After me and this young lady had split, I had more encounters with people online than in person, thus being able to do as I wished with or without them in my life. The prominence of Rachyl grew, myself becoming more and more aware of what truly had been making the biggest difference all of my life. Looking back I could then see how she was always there, though only allowed to come out in small doses.
    I had an encounter with a young lady online for quite some time, though I had lost my job, and was working only sparsely for cash here and there. She did not know right away of my desire to truly become Rachyl, but she learned early on of Rachyl. A year went by with me becoming more feminine I in a sense of even letting everyone know about what I really was, a man who wished to be a woman. After this year, I had another spell of depression, causing me to end up in the hospital, not knowing what to do with myself. Due to this suicide attempt I had during this time, I wound up being placed on disability. Feeling as though everything had been lost, I became vulnerable, easily molded into that which others wished to see. After leaving the hospital, I started spending time with a lady I had called a dear friend, and our hearts seemed to truly find one another's in the darkest of moments. Thus a new relationship was born. However, during this relationship, I once again learned that it was unacceptable to wear feminine clothing. Rachyl was hidden once again. I never felt the same happiness with myself inside as I had felt before. I fought for this relationship, though things were just not going to work. When I would take time away and visit my family, I found myself letting Rachyl out, as I was alone. I knew the woman I was with refused to accept it, so once again it became a hidden fetish of sorts. Only experienced when I was alone. After the relationship ended, and I moved away, I found myself more and more alone, Rachyl truly at the forefront of my mind, making a full comeback. Again it began as something I kept to myself, though it was not long after the split that again, the truth burst forth, my decision now set in stone. I was to become a woman. Nothing made me feel the same inside. Nothing could truly compare to what this gave me. I loved, and I had been loved, but as the person people saw before them, not as the person who truly lived deep inside of me. My feminine behavior again grew stronger, my smile returning, my laughter finding its own way out of me. It has been roughly 8 months since this last split, and today I have begun hormone replacements. I will continue to recount my experiences, logging them that you may understand better, or find solace and peace knowing you are not alone.