Easy come, Easy go....

          Throughout our lives, we all find changes occurring. For myself, as a teenager, I would hardly leave the house. I found myself sitting at computers when they arrived as a new thing in our lives. That was my way of learning things. From other people or things I had looked up. I learned a lot this way, though I had no true interaction with people. I found it easier in my state of mind to speak to those who could not see my face. The less I was looked at, the safer I truly felt. In the same case, if someone did not like me, I simply did not bother with them. I did not have to look upon them every day, as we do at work, or school, or other social functions that bring people together in so many ways. Through time, I learned to get out a little more. During different jobs I met a wide variety of people, though I seemed to be pulled in the direction of those who were most outgoing, as I learned even without their knowledge how to be more outgoing. I watch. I learn. I listen. I learn. I chose a rough life, experimenting with different drugs and partying as if there was nothing better than the wild happiness I experienced. This was not actually the case, but when your mind belongs to such a thing, you will not know how detrimental it truly becomes to your life. My depression never left, nor lessened, during this time. However, I didn't care. I was free of my own anxiety. Free of my own cares. Free of my emptiness. Free to live life in any way I saw fit. I spent many years eating pills, snorting various powders, smoking all the time, drinking a lot. I was wild. But only because it kept me from those dangerous feelings of suicide I had encountered every day as a teenager. Those feelings didn't leave. They were simply masked. Those friends were not all friends, they also were a mask to hide behind. As it happens, I did make friends that stood by my side for many years. Friends who would always be there. In turn, I changed as a person. I went from a nervous wreck, to a happier, more open person. I enjoyed social things. This has stuck with me over many many years. I have been clean from the drugs for quite some time and do so hope that none of you go through those experiences yourselves. The need for human contact however, has never dissipated. Unfortunately, over the last few years the depression has grown, and I have found myself hospitalized multiple times as more and more of my true feelings and desires have been expressed and rejected. Or excused, as people will always give an excuse for everything they see, or hear from you. I chose to push myself forward for my own peace of mind, and to fight for what is inside that I so dearly longed to set free. We cannot remain happy if we are fighting to please other people all the time. It is ourselves we must first make amends with before others can truly be pleased or even counted on. As I pushed forward, I found myself happier with who I am. Quite a bit happier in every sense. I feel dreams coming to life. I feel as though I truly know now how to touch the stars I have looked upon my entire life. However, I also am learning a loneliness unlike any other. These friends I could count on once upon a time, are no longer there. I have been phased out as many of us are. In all honesty, I have very few people remaining that are not family who even care to have anything to do with me. I am not what they think I should be, and so, I have been left behind. At my worst of times, they stayed to remain true friends, yet at the best of all times, they are gone. This is a hard life to choose for anyone as we must watch more and more people walk away from us.I still have some friends left. Do not get me wrong, there are those who will always likely remain, though in an unfortunate turn of events, neither I nor they themselves have vehicles, and so I have no contact with them. Lately this has begun to leave me with many doubts of my own resilience. I have begun doubting myself as I am alone so much more of the time. We will all experience these doubts and troubles, fears, pains, many things that would lead us to wish only to give up. We have to remain strong for ourselves. This is our dream. This is our heart finally beating with what is true and right. We will lose many along the way, and watch as our lives change yet again. These changes are disheartening at times, though it is up to us truly to find our own ways of coping with these things. For myself, I cannot say I am handling that aspect well, as I become easily bored when I am the only one talking to me or hanging out with me. I must find other constructive ways of doing things that will not leave me with that lonely feeling of boredom. We all have this to learn, and will all learn in time. Keep those who do remain close. This is our time to shine. Though it is helpful at times to have others around to share our good times with.